What does it mean to 'hope'?

On April 22, 2010, we are on a train in Italy at 21:45...

We went to Bologna, Italy, with the hopes that we could connect with a Couchsurfing host who said he could host us tonight and tomorrow night. But with no response on Couchsurfing, no texts or calls from the potential hosts to whom I gave our contact information, we were 45 minutes away from missing the last train. So, we are now on a train to Florence. 

Picture this, folks. I have duct tape wrapped around the balls of my feet. Why? Because in the process of walking around so much (after the great weather prompted an exciting switch from hiking boots to Birkenstocks), I now have quarter/2 euro-size blisters between the pads of my feet. Unpleasant. Which means I am also slightly limping, as I try to avoid full pressure and body weight upon said duct-taped blisters. 

I am walking, with my brother, and I'm constantly on the lookout as we tread through the dark and somewhat daunting streets of Bologna. (Not that Bologna, Italy is particularly scary, but let's be honest, any foreign city where you don't have a place to sleep yet is going to be daunting and a bit creepy when the lights go dim and everyone looks potentially threatening.) 

I'm frustrated, because despite the positive statistics of having multiple potential hosts in a city, they have all proved to be fruitless this evening. 

I'm exhausted. I miss the days when I didn't wonder where I was going to sleep that night. 

I'm a bit afraid. I hate walking around cities at night, especially when they aren't my own cities. It's never less scary, the next foreign city I walk into, with the backpack that screams "tourist", to not have a place to call home for the night, a base at which to set up camp and feel like you have a space in these foreign lands. 

And frankly, I'm confused...because I'm out here attempting to put faith in my God, and I'm not exactly sure why He hasn't shown up yet, in this moment.

What does one make of a situation like this? What promises have You made, Lord? What can we actually count on? No one texted or called even though we had people promising they could host us. Yet without contact information or a response with directions in order to meet them, no matter what they said, we still don't have a place to put down our things and rest our heads. Never has it been more frustrating to not have regular internet access, as I must check the Couchsurfing website to see if any responses have been received. And it's far from cheap, using the internet cafes. 

So have we been defeated, as we go to Florence to get a hostel? You never promised it would look a certain way. And we did try. Did You fail us? I believe we'd have a host in Bologna, a host said we could stay there, and yet, it didn't work out. So what does one make of this? I feel abandoned in moments like these, thinking, "Surely, if the Lord loves us, He wouldn't leave us without a place to stay." And my situation isn't the worst of possibilities, only a slightly fearful one. There are much worse ways to be spending an evening, much more fearful scenarios that boggle the mind and send shivers down the spine. 

It's no coincidence I'm reading the book of Job right now. And as I put on my headphones to find peace in the train ride, I hear these words from Phil Wickham...

"In Your presence, God, I'm completely satisfied."

And there it is. Job says, "Though He slay me, I will hope in him." (13:15)

I don't know if you can relate, but my first reaction when reading what Job says here leaves me completely baffled. What kind of idiot makes a statement like that, going back in for another beating?! Dearest reader, I will never pretend to always be great at deciding to follow the Lord. Sometimes it seems completely illogical, insane, and absolutely ridiculous.

So back to the question at hand. What kind of idiot makes such a statement as, "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him?"

Perhaps the kind that knows what is really worth saving, and fighting for. The kind that has fallen in Love, and believes Your judgement is wiser than mine/his/ours. (Parents will appreciate this one, knowing that sometimes you really do know what's best for your children, and they simply don't see it. Does it make them an idiot to obey you if they can't too see the logic behind the decision? Not at all.) 

Perhaps the kind of idiot that knows that things in life are such small things compared to the greater spiritual things. (This reminds me of the time in Matthew 9 when Jesus forgave a man's sins, but at first left him in his crippled, paralyzed state. Only when questioned about his authority to forgive such eternal, spiritual matters did Jesus heal him, saying 'Take up your mat and walk.' Because Jesus knew the greater treasure was to be forgiven for his sins; compared to such things the use of one's legs is not a great triumph.)

But I'm still confused. The disciples followed You, and yet You allowed harm to befall them. Beaten, imprisoned, crucified, persecuted...and yet they continued to hope in You. Paul, referencing David's words, said, "What can man do to me?" 

Well - a lot of things! Life seemed to really kick your butt, Paul! You were shipwrecked, beaten, lost at sea, imprisoned, flogged, exposed to death more than once, lashed, stoned, constantly without a place to call home, nearly drowned, seemed to be threatened in one way or another by any and every type of person he encountered, sleep-deprived, often starving, cold, and without clothing, etc. (2 Corinthians 11)

But he had You. 

Even Jesus didn't go through life physically unscathed. Why? 

At least one reason: to show us that not only do we take in fellowship with Jesus who suffered when we endure, but our prize is in never being left alone by You, God. 

I may one day end up sleeping on the streets, or worse, but You are always with me. 

Job lost everything. And sometimes that's the way it looks. Sometimes we try and think we are so faithful, hoping You'll respond with "your faith has healed/saved you." (Jesus does a lot of rewarding people's faith in the New Testament). But then, when the day ends, and we're still crippled, we're sleeping in a train station, life is still imperfect, things are still scary...we wonder if we did it wrong. We wonder if perhaps we had the wrong password to Heaven.

Then, we wonder if, this entire time, we've been talking to ourselves, and You are nothing more than a wishful figment of our imaginations.

Or maybe we only care about Your existence as long as it can bring us a good and profitable existence. But that's not Love in the way it's meant, is it?  

Perhaps there was and still is something we held as more important than You, perhaps a blessing from Your hand we wanted more than the precious hand itself. 

Yet the gift was You. And through that relationship, a beautiful inner life, independent from the outer circumstances, emerges. The kind that can produce joy despite immense pain and struggle, the kind that breeds hope when circumstances appear hopeless.

Though I cry, I may still laugh with You, because You never leave my side. Though I feel pain, disappointment, despair, anger, and exhaustion, all this will pass, and what will be left is always You. 

Though this day and moment don't look as I might have wanted, I have You. 

Can I be completely satisfied in Your presence? Or am I still hoping the hand will bring me something other than beautiful company, fellowship, empathy, and a shoulder to cry upon? 

And honestly, what is better than a hand to hold in a time of need? 

"In Your presence, God, I'm completely satisfied." -Phil Wickham

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him." -Job 13:15

(And yet, the story ends well. Not two hours later, Alex and I found ourselves in the best hostel I've ever experienced. Who knew such a gem stood at the end of the long and weary road we traveled this evening? Through it all, we were safe, we had options, and the means to be flexible with the situation. For You, Lord, are my hope...Psalm 71:5). 

“The longest journey a man must take is the eighteen inches from his head to his heart”